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Dec. 25th, 2006

tape

(no subject)

Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances, you just have to live life to the fullest. Laugh as much as you can, spend all your money, tell someone what they mean to you, tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, be bad and cover it up, comfort a friend, pig out, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, sneak out in the middle of the night, be a flirt, smile until your face hurts, don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love...& most of all live in the moment cause when you look back someday knowing you have no regrets it's going to be what makes you smile.

Dec. 19th, 2006

tape

death is welcome here.

today is one of those days where i feel as if i can't live one more day alone. if it were as simple as just not being alone i might have hope, but i don't want anyone. not a single one of all the amazing guys i've met could possibly fill the hole i have in my heart. i feel lost. i feel utterly useless. i feel unworthy of love. if this is how it's always going to be, i don't want to suffer through it anymore. i give up. on life. on happiness. i want to dissapear forever. i want all of this to end, now. i don't want to wake up one more day without seeing his face on the pillow next to mine. somedays it's tolerable enough to push down and ignore. but many more days like this one... i'm scared. i'm scared that i'm going to be alone for christmas. i'm scared i won't make it.

god, if you're really there, why? why can't i forget him? why did he leave me? what made this time different? why did you have me meet him in the first place if this is where i would end up? why won't you just make it stop? i've suffered through the last eight months, being as strong as i possibly could be, holding onto the fact that i thought you'd bring me out of this, but you haven't. not a day goes by that i don't mention him a half a dozen times. it's impossible to forget, and my heart won't heal. i'm done. i have tried every other way, and now i feel powerless but to surrender to the pain. it's going to take a miracle to save me now. heaven help me.

Dec. 7th, 2006

tape

(no subject)

I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless
With a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and
I want to
Suffer for my sins
I've come to you
'Cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just don't know
Where I can begin
What I need is
A good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against
Because he's all
I ever knew of love

Heaven help me
For the way I am
Save me from
These evil deeds
Before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings
The consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day like
The next will never come

Oh help me but
Don't tell me to deny it
I've got to cleanse myself
Of all these lies till
I'm good enough for him
I've got a lot to lose
And I'm bettin' high
So I'm beggin' you
Before it ends
Just tell me where to begin

What I need
Is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against
Because he's all
I ever knew of love

Let me know the way
Before there's hell to pay
Give me room to lay
The law and let me go
I've got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say
The devil wants to know

What I need
Is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against
Because he's all
I ever knew of love

What I need is
A good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against

Because he's all
I ever knew of love

Nov. 30th, 2006

yowza

je parle un peu francais

first, i had the most horrible, wonderful dream this morning. all i remember when i woke up is that kacy was preggers, and andrew got pissed and hit her, then told me things weren't over between us and he'd figure out a way to come back to me. why oh why does my subconcious feed me false hope?

anyway what i'm really irritated about is how i haven't been decently hit on since andrew and thats fucking pathetic boys. i made him try for months before i even let him know i was interested, and now here i am telling you you have a green light and you complain i didn't make the first move? fuck that. what i have is good and i refuse to give it away to someone who won't appreciate it. i require being convinced not only that you like me, but that you want me and that i won't regret this. seriously guys, go ask mr. craig how to talk to a woman because none of you have a fucking clue. have some confidence, take control of the situation, and decide where you want to take it - then follow through will that irrisistable charm. if that sounds like too much then stop wasting my time because i know that what i want is out there and i refuse to settle.

fucking pussies i swear to god.

Nov. 15th, 2006

tape

answer me this one question...why?

i have no where to escape to anymore. for a time i was comforted by my dreams, now even those send me back into depression. i used to wake up hopeful and joyous, feeling blessed to have been able to even share an imaginary life with him. now it just feels like one more place i cannot look for peace. it seems that my every waking thought is devoted to increasing my misery. even the stuffed animal in my bed that serves as the only thing to console my lonliness is a constant reminder that he's gone. God why? I've asked for these feelings to be taken from me if i'm not meant to love him. i don't want to anymore! please. have mercy. he's nothing but cruel to me, he's taken advantage of how i feel about him and thrown it back in my face, calling me a liar. God please save me, i grow weaker by the day, and my will to live is clinging tightly to the fact that i know you love me and want good fruit in my life, but not this way. please, not anymore. i've suffered, i've prayed, i've leaned on you entirely but the pain only seems to subside when i'm sucessful at numbing my mind to the world around me. i don't want that life anymore, please give me hope that i might not turn back to the way i used to live. i feel dead inside. save me from myself.

Nov. 10th, 2006

tape

(no subject)

i love him, more than i ever knew, more than i could ever express.
sometimes i hate myself for pushing him away.
but the things i am learning right now because of my time without him are probably the most important lessons of my life. it's a hard place to be happy in, when you know it's the right place for you but it's just not what you want.
what do you do when you can't seem to reach what you're longing for? in my heart i'm desperate for God, desperate to walk in a light so pure that the whole world can see his love through me. but no matter how much i WANT that, i continue to get in my own way and keep myself distanced from God in order to numb my pain. i need a friendship that can help me find God, not distract me from him. how is it possible to want to spend time reading the word and being close to Him, and not actually making the time to do it but instead wasting hours on this damned computer wishing i had the guts to do the right thing for once.

Nov. 9th, 2006

princess jes

(no subject)

life has been a real challenge lately, not that that's anything new, but after really letting loose these past few weeks i've noticed that i actually do know how to live my life the right way - i just have to start making the decisions i know are right. sometimes it's so hard to stop and think about what's going on before you make a decision, especially when it comes to your social life, but i need to start putting myself and my life in front of my social activities. i have friends now, so i don't have to worry about that. for a long time i wasn't ok with being by myself because that was my only choice. now i find myself wanting to go be alone and read or do something equally peaceful. that's a completely new sensation for me. stephanie taught me so much over the past few months, but for the past few weeks i've been ignoring what i learned and enjoying my freedom. it's time to buckle down again. i need to go to class EVERY day with no exceptions. i need to be home when i have school or work the next day. i need more sleep. i need to stop partying. i need to stop partying. next time i want to, will someone remind me that i don't need that? partying doesn't make me happy, it makes me momentarily entertained, but in the long run i'm tired, behind in school, in need of a shower, and broke. what makes em happy is being succesful in my life. God, please give me strength to fight my worldy desires and find the ability to live my daily life in a fufilling and satisfying manner. I love my friends, they really are the best.

Oct. 29th, 2006

tape

begging and pleading

stop denying yourself. just pick up the phone. you don't even understand what you're missing out on, it's nothing like before, which i know is easy to forget, over time of course, but you can trust you'll have no regrets. don't think i don't remember what that look in your eyes means, and don't act like you didn't get it right back from me. i'm begging you, let me blow your mind. you're young still, fufill your desires, follow your heart. no regrets.

Oct. 22nd, 2006

tape

i got that itis

what do you do when you can't get their face out of your mind? when you want to so badly you think you can hear their voice? what do you do when their eyes haunt you and their smile tugs at your insides until you think you could cry? what do you do when you get goosebumps and butterflies just walking by them, knowing the passion that's being denied? what do you do to keep from going mad?
tape

dear god

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